I Want To Be Holy, Too. (Part Two)

"I used to live in those waters..."

As I begin to slowly turn my pain racked self towards the waters, I am so gently reminded of my before-life in those waters, and the warmth draws me to them.   The waters are seething before me and I know that means that they have been specially prepared just for me.  But I stop.

The waters are as angry and deep as my anger is deep.   But it's not tit-for-tat.   It's not a reflection of my anger or even God's anger.  

It is that Deep calling out to Deep.    And where the waters are the deepest, they also move with more power, more...violence.   And violence IS a Kingdom quality.        (Psalm 42:7--"Deep calls unto deep at the noise of thy waterspouts: all thy waves and thy billows are gone over me.")

The violence of the things of the Kingdom of God that lie deep within me are struggling to get up and out, as is that Heavenly violence that is equally waiting to meet me at just the right time/moment so that healing can be accomplished.

It is a terrible battle within the depths of the soul.   The Hand of God comes twisting and tearing through the gnarled, deeply embedded thorny roots of long ago planted barriers.   Reaching through wild thickets of pain where dark thoughts dart in and out, desperately trying to hide from The All Seeing One's grasp.  And all the while, longing to be caught, trying to be caught.   

Caught, healed, redeemed...

But I am.   I am already caught, healed, redeemed.   So why the futile fight?   

Paul's words echo through my being and rattle me to the core:    (Romans 7:15-25, verse 24,"O wretched man that I am!  Who shall deliver me from the body of this death!")

"Dear God.   I've been here so many times before and I know only too well the cost and the pain.   And I do not want to pay it.   I don't.   God forgive my weak, cowardly heart.  I just don't!   Not again."  

But...I must.   His Deep calls to my Deep.   

And the power of that Deep pulls and pulls AND PULLS until 

I can no longer hold on.

. 

No...longer...hold...on.

No longer holding on, I let go.   Limp.   Disabled.   But, I am still tethered to the wreckage of my dead man's image.  Tethered still by one last cord of fear. 

. 

Dead-Man-Floating in The Violent Deep of God

I have no strength to move to cut it.   I bob in God's Stream; not alive, not dead.   Caught by fear.  "Lord, cut the cord.  I cannot."    He cuts, and I begin to move lifelessly through the flow of His Violent Waters, up and finally out. 

Exhausted, I find myself in the troubled waters of healing He has prepared just for me.   The very waters that I could not lift myself towards, He has released me and has brought me to the ordained moment of holiness.  

I wanted to be holy, too.   Just like Sister Blogger.   But...I'm not like Sister Blogger.   I'm MY own holy, conformed to His Image, daughter.

Thank you, Sister Blogger for a life lived well and shared well with the rest of us.  It is not my life, nor was it ever meant to be.   I am my very own book to be read by others.  Granted, my book is more like a comic book or Gary Larson's "Far Side", for not everyone can read Shakespeare.   

Holiness is not what others see you DO that is like Jesus.

Holiness is just seeing Jesus in who you are.  Warts and all.

And maybe being holy is all in the hidden becoming.   Being holy is what happens in the dark night of the soul in our personal Garden of Gethsemane.   Glory comes after resurrection.   Holiness is formed in those places where only the individual and the Father meet...alone.

Thank You Lord, for making me holy, too.

I Want To Be Holy, Too. (Part One)

There is a certain Christian woman, who has an incredible blog, that I follow daily.   And for ME to follow anything DAILY, is pretty close to a miracle.  

It's the way that she writes, expresses herself, and meshes her life into black and white type, that continually draws me to her.   And it's not as much being drawn to her as it is being drawn to the Holy Spirit through her.      

As I  ''tune in daily''  for whatever awaits me, and after I soak Him in through her words, I come away both blessed and---troubled.   Yes, 'troubled' is a good word here.  

It reminds me of the Pool of Siloam in the Bible where the angel of the Lord would come once a year to stir--to trouble--the waters of the pool for healing.   (John 5:1-4)

 

The Lord through her 'troubles' me.   He stirs up the deep waters within me.  The waters belong to Him and are the waters that are meant for my healing.   

And just like the story in John 5:7,

I find myself in need of someone to lower me into the waters, for I, too, am crippled and cannot get into the waters without help.

But another part of this is that sometimes, no, most times, I drag my crippled self away from the waters when they are being troubled, because...I don't want the troubling to trouble me.   

It hurts to move away and it hurts to move towards.   It just hurts.   I hurt.   And, I just don't know if I can do what I need to do to fix the hurt.

"Trust Jesus!", my Christian friends say.   They mean it in the most tender way.  

But their words have to force their way through my pain, which distorts and mangles the wavelength on which the words ride, and by the time it reaches me, it just makes me angry. 

No, it stirs the anger that is already there, 

and 

I just want to

hit something, or someone.

"Well, duh?!  Yeah, 'Trust Jesus', ya think?  What do you think I'm TRYING TO DO HERE?!!", my mind SCREAMS out through one of the smiles I keep in my pocket for such times as these.

And I think,  "Oh God!  Just shut them up!!!"

And then I think, as I walk away from them in my mind, "I want to be Holy, too.   Just like that sister who blogs such wonderful things everyday.   Just like Sister Blogger."

But that, THAT, takes a willingness to be troubled.   
And I know it.   
I know it full well.

I've been here too many times before and....I know.

I KNOW.  

And I know that I cannot run away or scoot away or turn away or scrunch my eyes up tight and pretend that I'm not here!   There is no...away.  There is only...to.   Towards.   Face it.   Face up to it.   Face...down.    

It's not that my dear Sister Blogger is oh, so holy.   She just allows herself to be placed into the troubled waters of her soul, of her deep places, so that the Lord is then able to first heal, and then to draw out of those deep places within her, the sweetest waters and give them to others to quench their thirst.

This used to be me.

I know this place.  This place of The Troubling, for I have lived my life here once before.   Before, in that other life.  That life as co-pastor with my husband.  Co-leader, co-feeder of the Lord's flock, His dear lambs.   Sister-Pastor.  That was me.

In that former life, I was so tender before the Lord, so pliable and malleable, that I LIVED in those troubled waters because I didn't want to miss an opportunity to be healed so that I might bring that healing to others.  

 

Dear God.   What has happened to me?  

I was Holy... 

I want to be Holy (again), too.

(end of part One)

Need To Check In!

Just a quick note to everyone...all THREE of you!   *giggle*   

Because of having quite a bit of dental work done a few days ago, I've been out of it...literally!   

I will be back on here soon.   Just need to heal a bit more!

Love To All!

Patti