AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! It's one of those days.
Not one of those stepping through The Looking Glass...
meeting up with some freaky-strange, weed smoking, crack eating characters...
and finding oneself falling for an eternity down some flippin' rabbit hole.
("Eat this." "Drink this." Ummm...I don't THINK SO!)
NO. Absolutely not one of those days.
I'd KILL for a nice day like that!!
I'm talking about the ones where you have things gnawing through the insulation of your soul, then you feel the sharp teeth beginning to shred the protection on the hard wires of where you're plugged in.
Where you can't stop the sound of the clickity-click-click-sssccrrrrrratch of their claws as they scurry from one end of the mind to the other, short circuiting any able-firing synapses they can find.
I'm talking about hanging onto anything physical and that's MORE than just nailed down.
I'm going to have to call The Master Electrician before I get chewed in two.
I don't have bats in the belfry; I have rats.
Big, nasty, New Yawhk rats tearing around up there.
And, there are other scampering visitors up there as well.
I hear them in the middle of the night whispering to the rats.
The Belfry is The Battleground Of The Soul, you know.
Everything is won--or lost--there.
It's not a good day to be near me. Dangerous, actually.
I could snap at any moment and you would lose your pretty/handsome little head. (I said "handsome" just for you, Jeff.) ;)
Talked with hubby on Skype today. I have been praying for his "latest situation". (Don't ask. Honestly, you wouldn't believe me anyway.)
The answer couldn't have been any better! Truly! It was very excellent!
Made me want to do my little "Nanny-Nanny-Boo-Boo!" the I'll-dance-on-your-grave-for-doing-THAT-to-my-husband while spewing sarcasm and vitriol everywhere. "I'll get YOU my pretty! And your little dog, too!"
(**Musical Warning Note for Non-Musicians: I am singing and dancing to "Thank You Very Much" from "Scrooge, The Musical" only MUCH nastier.)
I WARNED YOU, didn't I?
Now, you would think (those with normal mindsets--which leaves out about 5 of you), that my Rats In The Belfry Syndrome has something to do with what Steve has been going through and us being apart.
You would think so.
And you would be wrong, Camel Breath!
My torment comes from an extremely deep and old Well of pain that is taking years to clean out.
Sometimes the Well lid gets knocked open and I fall back into it, which isn't so bad the first several thousand feet because I can see where it's been cleaned out, expanded, and there's nothing jagged left on the sides to tear at me.
I can see light and hope here in these places.
It's the remaining monstrous pit of despair and loss that is the Reaper, or even Raper; both are ample words to hold the context of agony-of-soul.
Now don't you wish that you could know what this is?
I cannot tell you; for it is much too vicious to see daylight yet.
Even I cannot bring it up to the light; it screams worse than a Banshee and thrashes and tears at me worse than a Hell-Beast with poison-tipped, rapier claws.
And what's worse: I cannot even release the agony through tears.
Days like today...I think that my head will just "nuke off"...and it'll all be over except the Fall-Out.
My best friend knows everything that I know.
My husband knows everything...at least up to the latest revealing that the Lord gave to me; so even he isn't up to speed. Skype doesn't quite cut-it for the deep things.
And Jesus knows everything I know....and beyond. Thank-You Lord!
So on days like today, I can know that I know, that more of the answer is coming.
Deeper and more severe wounds take much longer to heal and require patience if more surgery is needed to chase down hidden infected pockets.
The Lord showed me in a vision/dream 17 years ago what this was.
Of course at the actual time, I had NO IDEA what was in this final "Well" that was so much deeper than all of the others.
But He did tell me and show me that this was the FINAL Well to be healed, because it was the deepest, and the life that would come out of THIS particular Well--ONCE it was healed and purified--would bring needed healing to others.
He knew that I would NEED that vision of life through these many long years...and whatever time which remains...in order to give me something to hold onto when the battle was the most vicious.
Total healing MUST BE close.
The battle for this deepest parcel of ground is growing more fierce day by day, sometimes second by second.
And the rats are calling in back-up!
That's okay. MY back-up is bigger and badder.
When it's all said and done...I just might be His Woman of God after all.
I never really saw myself as one of "those" women-of-God types.
You know, (uh-oh...**MUSICAL WARNING NOTE: "I bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan, and never, never, ever let you forget you're a man, cuz I'm a WOMAN...
W-O-M-A-N...)
(Sorry. That's life in my brain. E V E R Y T H I N G IS A MUSICAL!)
I guess somewhere I just thought that "holy women of God" were made by being "good". (Whatever the hell THAT means.)
If that's so.....I'm screwed.
MY experience is different, as I suspect is every other TRUE man or woman of God. Actually, I know that it is.
After pastoring the "what-and-where's" we have been sent to over the past 30+ years...
...oh yeah...
I know that the Real Children of God are
gathered in by a sharp sword,
broken on the rock,
crushed upon the threshing floor,
formed with great pressure,
and birthed in the fire....
to become bread for the hungry.
To be made into bread...just like Jesus is The Bread of Life.
It's that dying to self part that's the kicker. Dang!
Even through the din of the rats scurrying and scrrrratching and gnawing,
through the dark fear of my own Pit and Pendulum....
...there IS hope.
And even more than hope...
...there is Grace to withstand...
...and stand...
until Jesus and I make our way back up this last Well.
Yeah. Alice was a sissy.
Nice story, Alice, but I'm looking for the ending that brings more than just some sappy resolution.
At the end of MY story there will be never-ending change and abundant life.
Enough for me to give to my loved ones, and for all
--who, like me--
have had rats in their belfry.
Until next time, dear ones...
Put De Lime In De Coconut,
Patti
